The Phone

This is a short piece that focuses on my relationship with the phone. 

 The Phone (Written in 2017)

The phone has always scared me a little (I don’t know who I’m trying to cod, the phone is fucking terrifying). It has given me anxiety and it has kept me up at night. (23 year old me is cringing so hard right now…there are important things to be worrying about) It’s the thing that is the hardest to face as a person who stutters. I’m not entirely sure why it gives me so much panic, maybe it’s the fact that all I’m giving the person at the other end is my voice and nothing else or maybe it’s the uncertainty of their reaction. It’s almost as if I can feel their judgement through the phone and that’s what I don’t like. I hate being judged for something that I cannot control.

However, I am aware that, like anything else, dealing with phone calls takes time. It takes practice. Dealing with the phone, however, necessitates courage and strength above all else. It requires the decision to want to move past the fear and be able to deal with the situation confidently and decisively.

Over the past few weeks, I have decided to take it upon myself to teach myself to use the phone (as if I were to teach a child how to read, slowly and with patience). To practice speaking with confidence and with perseverance. And I have succeeded. Granted I haven’t been able to make a phone call everyday but I have been trying. I have tried with strangers, I have tried with people I know a little and I have tried with people I know really well.

And each time it has gotten easier.

And each time has made me feel proud.

And each time I have made a phone call it has made me feel invincible, in control and most importantly it has made me feel confident.

The Phone (Written in 2021)

I wrote the above piece as part of a speech therapy programme that I was doing in 2017. Now, at 23, I still struggle with the phone and I think I probably always will.

Through all my years of using the phone, from calling a friend to ask her where she is to accepting a job offer, I've learned that the person on the other end of the line is there for one thing, and that is to speak to me and not to my stutter.

In the past four years, I have rarely experienced a ‘bad’ phone call and during the times that I do, I remember that the other person is not as educated in this field as I am. (Or put more simply, they don’t stutter and therefore have not been lucky enough to give slow speech a second thought)

I still have a long way to go (in terms of feeling completely confident on the phone) and a lot to learn (in terms of my phone experiences).

I have decided that my struggle with the phone (and other things) will not only make me more resilient, but my courage to even consider doing it (making or answering a call) will make me proud of myself.