Stuttering Shame

What is shame? And where does it come from? How does it manifest?

Essentially, shame comes from 'the fear of being perceived as flawed...unworthy of belonging'. The feelings of shame we feel do not come from within us, but from society’s reactions to us. Isn't it crazy how the desire to belong in the world and within society can make us feel unworthy and rejected when we do things differently? And because someone is perceived to be different, society shuns them. To be rejected by the world you where everyone should belong and everyone should be treated equally, can often cause those who are rejected to draw away from society and stay on the outskirts of society. When you break it down like that, the idea of shame and being shamed for something that we cannot control becomes something almost criminal.

Feelings of shame can often manifest themselves in the body and lead to a ‘sunken’ body posture; a physical expression of wanting to disappear. And because it's a type of stress response, it can also lead to blushing cheeks, increased body temperature, sweating, or queasiness. Again, how crazy is that?! That a feeling can be so strong it has a physical effect on our bodies.

Feelings of shame can sometimes result in a distorted view of ourselves. 

So how does shame relate to stuttering?

I believe that the shame that manifests itself in people who stutter comes from the fact that we don't speak as fluently as others. And the fact that we don't speak as fluently as others can often be seen as a failure. As if we don't know how to speak; something that is the 'standard.' And because society has placed value on fluency, people who stutter are often denigrated because they do not live up to this standard.

I don't think the shame that people who stutter feel stems from the stutter itself. Stuttering, itself, is a neurogenic disorder. As I said before, I think the shame of stuttering stems from the idea that we are seen as different. Simply because we don’t talk like the rest of society.

The desire to not to be seen as different from the rest of society can make some people who stutter try and hide the fact that they do stutter. This is often called Covert Stuttering. It is often the fear of being found out that they are a person who stutters which makes the person more inclined to continue hiding the fact that they stutter.

But as Joseph Sheehan states; ‘the more you cover up and try to avoid stuttering, the more you will stutter.’
Inevitably, because people who stutter can spend so much of their time and effort hiding the fact that they do stutter, rather than accepting this fact, they can often contribute to the feelings of shame that surround stuttering.

How do I deal with feelings of shame that surround my stutter?

I am in no way near the perfect model of someone who is unashamed of the fact that they stutter. I most definitely still have moments of shame, for example, I’m still working up the courage to put myself forward for another role in my place of work because I would have to speak on the phone more.

But I think the first step to not feeling ashamed that you stutter is to accept it as a part of you. It’s not going anywhere, you are more than likely going to have to live with it for the rest of your life.

So, I ask you, which would you rather prefer?

The feeling that you are not good enough simply because you speak differently from those around you?

Or accepting that you don’t speak the same as those around you, it is one of your ‘quirks’, and it’s not something to be ashamed of?

Because you are so much more than just the way you speak.