Stuttering Self-Awareness

 Over the past couple of weeks, I have had a few very stuttery days, and I mean very stuttery, lots of blocks and repetitions and hesitations. It’s been a struggle to get my words out, even with those I’m comfortable with. I think the reason why is down to the fact that I was on vacation for a week and then when I came back I had a busy weekend and then I had to jump straight back into work. I've had a couple of tiring weeks and like some people who stutter, being tired can make me stutter more because my brain is not working at its best.

Photo by Furkan Elveren

And I’m not going to lie, when my stutter is more severe than usual, I can get self-conscious and I can sometimes choose to not speak up as much I usually do because it is more of an effort to get my words out. I tend to notice my speech more as it is not as fluid as it usually is, and because it is not as fluid as it usually is I feel that more people notice it too. I tend to choose my words more carefully and I start to worry if what I’m about to say is worth saying. As someone who is usually all about accepting stuttering, whilst also recognizing that having a stutter comes with various feelings, both positive and negative, I don’t want to stop myself from using my voice. So, it can get a little disheartening when the part of me that likes to be seen as ‘normal’ takes over and decides that I shouldn't speak up.

However, I think one of the things that my stutter has given me is self-awareness. I’m self-aware when I notice my feelings about my stutter begin to change and when I let negative thoughts take over. This self-awareness is a useful tool to have as it allows me to make a conscious choice to A) follow these negative thoughts that tell me I shouldn’t speak up when I am having more stuttery days or B) to notice these thoughts and decide to speak up anyway.

Choosing to notice that I am stuttering more whilst also noticing that because I am stuttering more, I am becoming more self-conscious about my stutter but whilst also not letting myself speak less, for me, is better than noticing I am stuttering more and letting myself speak less.

Photo by Tara Winstead

I have always appreciated the idea that trying to not stutter makes us stutter more because it is so true and while I have been stuttering more in the past couple of weeks, I have tried not to stutter less and have just let the stutter come out the way it wants to. Nevertheless, there have been moments where I have chosen not to say anything because, frankly, I was too tired to go through a stuttering moment. However, I feel that, for me, choosing not to say anything in the moment is okay, as long as I remind myself that there is always tomorrow and my stutter should not always get to dictate when I speak.