25 years of stuttering
Stuttering Through The Ages...
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| Me at around 4 years old. |
Between 0 and 5 -
To be totally honest, I don't
really remember much of this time...I don't even really remember when I first
started stuttering, which I'm told was around 3 years old. I think I'll put
that down to the fact that I was a child, and I was living in my own little
world. I simply didn't realize something was amiss with my speech because I
simply did not care. My words were a lot freer when I was between the ages of 0
and 5, maybe because I didn't have a lot of them (hahaha). I think it’s safe to
say that little baby Bevin lived a very blissful life when she was under the
age of 5.
Between 5 and 10 -
This is when I began to notice
my stutter. I began to realize that the way I spoke was different to everyone
else. I started to see the looks that other children and parents of those children
would give my mother and I, wondering why I was taking so long to say three
simple words. I was still happy, nonetheless, and I had friends who accepted
me, even if they thought I was a little odd. I also started speech therapy,
because my mother, who also stutters, decided to 'catch it' while I was young,
with a speech therapist who turned out to be a lifelong friend of my family.
Cheers J! This was also when I met SAY who I will forever be grateful to. It was an odd period in my life, where I was
still trying to live in my own little world, whilst the outside world was
slowly pushing its way in.
Between 10 and 15 -
I guess this was when I started to gain a deep awareness of my stutter and how I sounded when I stuttered. These 5 years were when I felt the most shame and it felt uncomfortable to be a person who stuttered. There is no denying that I let my stutter control me and how lived my life. It felt as if I was constantly thinking about my stutter, and I really struggled in most social situations. I rarely pushed myself out of my comfort zone - I was often yanked out of it by other people and I often had to crawl my way back in. My comfort zone was my safe space. However, this was also when I attended speech therapy the most, which was a huge help to me. I also attended the Irish Stammering Association workshops and Camp SAY. I owe a lot to these organizations because not only did they provided me with a safe space in a world where I felt unsafe. They also helped me meet other people who stuttered and being surrounded by kids my own age who stuttered, reminded me that I was not alone. However, while I was deeply connected to the stuttering community, I still felt very lonely between the ages of 10 and 15 and I just wish I could hug my younger self and tell her that it gets better.
Between 15 and 20 -
Like the previous years, these
years were filled with a lot of uncomfortable feelings and often uncomfortable
looks from other people. However, I did a lot of realising during these years
and I realised that life does not wait for you to stop stuttering. I realised
that the world did not stop moving just because I was waiting for myself to pluck
up the courage to speak. I started to understand that it was up to me to start
living and stop hiding away. I did not move past my feelings of shame and
embarrassment during these years, but I did slowly start to live with these
feelings. I slowly started to push myself out of my comfort zone. I slowly
started to look at myself differently and not just as a person who stuttered
but as an entire being. I fell down a lot and whilst sometimes I stayed down
for a while, I also, every so often, got back up again and fought harder.
Between 20 and 25 -
The last 5 years of my life
have honestly been the best years of my life…so far. Obviously, there have been
tough times, very tough times but there have also been so many beautiful
moments. As each year passed, I grew more and more into my authentic self and
into my identity as a person who stutters. I began to embrace all of me, and I
learned to embrace all of the weird looks I get, which actually do not get to
me as much as they used to. I have learned to deeply accept that I stutter, and
I always will. I have grown to love my stutter...most of the time. I rarely
feel shame anymore. I have taken advantage of my stutter and have used it as a
source to fuel my creativity. I am so thankful to be in the stuttering
community and I like to think I help other people who stutter realise their
potential and in the process of doing that I have discovered my own potential.
I constantly push myself out of my comfort zone and I have started to enjoy
doing so but when the going gets tough, I take a step back and I have learned
that this is okay too.
Well, there you have it! 25
years of stuttering, it has been a journey and it continues to be a journey.
Here's to the next 25
years.
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