Making the appointment.

 Making the appointment

My usual train of thought as I pluck up the courage to make an appointment over the phone.

I keep asking myself why this is stressing me out so much? Why is something so small making me have an anxiety attack? People do this every day – it's part of being an adult. You need to be able to make your own appointments – you can’t have your mam do it for you. I am not a child anymore! I can do this!

But can I? Is it really that easy? What happens if they laugh at me? What happens if they hang up the phone? What happens if I have a block so huge, I can’t breathe, and I pass out? There are so many things that can go wrong!

No – hold on a second. When has that ever happened to me? Yes, a couple of people have laughed at me when I stutter but no one has ever hung up the phone. And I certainly have never passed out because I was stuttering too much! I think that actually might be impossible.

Okay…here we go! I am shaking. I have a dry mouth. My chest is tight. I dial the number and it rings for a few seconds and then they pick up.  

Fuck, fuck, fuck!!

Is it too late to hang up??

Oh God, here we go!!

“Hello this is Doctor Phelan” comes a clear and fluent voice. Man, if only I could speak like him!

I take a sharp breath in.

“H-h-h-h-h-h-h-i my n----------aaaame is Be-be-be-be-be-be-vin and I w-------as just wo-------ndering if I can m--------ake an app-app-app-app-app-appointent please.”

Why does this always have to be so hard?? This is the worst thing ever!! I hate everything!!

“Of course, you can, does this evening suit you?” comes the clear voice that waited patiently for me.

“Yes, that’s perfect” I say clearly – why is it always the initial words I speak??

I hang up the phone and give a big sigh – I did it! I made the appointment! I got the appointment. Jaysus! I knew I could do it, obviously, it’s so easy!

I gather myself and move on. I am confident and I feel like I can take on the world! I enjoy this feeling and then I get on with my day.

This is my routine.

Until next time.