Do I like my stutter?

Do I like my stutter?

If I were to answer this question in short, I would probably say no.

And then I'd have to say retract my statement. Because, while I may not like my stutter, I am grateful for what it has given me, the people I have met, and the things I have accomplished as a result of it.

My feelings about my stutter are ambivalent.

Do I like it when someone asks me my name and as soon as I start to try and say my name, my tongue feels like it's in knots and my mouth does not work? Of course not!

Can I appreciate my stutter for getting me to America and giving me the opportunity to perform on stage at 7 years old? Absolutely!

As I’ve talked about previously, I sometimes see my stutter as Regina in Mean Girls or as the friendship between Ron and Hermione in Harry Potter. Please read A Short Intro for more. 

Photo by Prateek Katyal from Pexels

Stuttering is like waking up early;  

(Please bear with me, it will eventually make sense!)

Waking up early is tough when my alarm goes off at 7:30am or 8:00am, it takes my eyes a bit of time to adjust and I can’t do anything quickly. It’s a challenge! But then as soon as I’m up and I’ve had my morning coffee and I’ve gotten dressed, the early morning doesn’t feel so bad. My day can start earlier and I feel more productive and like I’m taking charge of my life.

The way I feel about my stutter is similar, sometimes it’s a challenge to speak up because I know I will stutter, it can take a bit of pushing through and it can be slow. But once I get going, once I get chatting to a friend or giving my opinion, I feel at ease. The hardest part is always starting but once I am speaking, regardless of if I am stuttering, I feel better. I am taking charge of my stutter, my stutter is speaking with me, we are working together. 

That's when I enjoy my stuttering the most.

The feelings my stutter can conjure up;

My stutter can make me feel frustrated, insecure and vulnerable, it can put me on another level to fluent people. A lower level. Sometimes when I stutter I feel like everyone is watching; judging me.

My stutter can make me feel humbled and I believe it has made me feel like a better person. Because of my stutter, I believe I am kinder and more understanding because I know what it's like when people are unkind and less understanding.

I wouldn’t be me without my stutter, I wouldn’t have the same stories, same friends and same observations on the world.

Do I wish I was fluent;

My thoughts on this are ambivalent. 

Fluency is a construct, who came up with the idea of fluency? You can stutter and still stutter fluently.

So I suppose to answer that question, I wish that sometimes I could stutter more fluently, that my stutter wasn’t so jumpy and that it took less time for me to get my words out.

So, do I like my stutter? Ah yeah, sure it's here now, it might as well stay!

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(Part two of this two-part blog post will be published next week, and it will be written by a special guest.)