I Often Wonder - A Poem (Revised)

I first wrote this poem around four years ago and its first publication was just over 3 years ago. You can read it here

Similar to a lot of people who stutter, when I was a child, I thought my stutter was the be all and end all. I really struggled to find my voice and I struggled to see that my life would get better. As I say in the poem, I thought 'My life would be simple' if I didn't stutter. As a child I often did wonder about all of the things I could do if I didn't stutter.

Flashforward, I wanted to revisit this poem through a new lenses. I wanted to challenge my younger self and the way she thought. I thought about how far I had come in accepting myself as a person who stutters and accepting my voice.

I reflected on my life and all of the things and people that I could have met if I didn't let my stutter hold me back. And while I do not know what my life would be if I didn't stutter, I am aware of how beautiful my life is now because I stutter. I would not be me if I didn't stutter. I would not have the same dreams if I didn't stutter. I would not be recognized by my friends and family if I didn't stutter.

I Often Wonder

I often wonder how my life would be,

if my words flowed smooth and easily,

the never ending stream of thoughts,

that I would share,

even when there was no one there to listen. 

I often wonder how my life would be

if my speech didn’t get stuck in my mouth,

if all my sentences just poured out,

and my ideas were not held captive.

I often wonder how my life would be,

if I could speak without struggle,

and if my voice didn’t so often crumble,

all of the paths that would be smoother,

if I did not speak with a stutter. 

I often wonder who I would be,

if I did not care if I spoke fluently.

if I did not scrutinize the how,

and focused on the what, where, why and who.

I often wonder if I would still be me,

if my words flowed smooth and easily,

because my stutter is not just what I do when I speak,

but how I am recognized in cacophony of voices,

and my stutter sings above the noise.

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